Friday, July 23, 2010

My love is top secret (my secret, my secret)

This blog is only a makeup and beauty blog, somewhat frivolous, not too serious but I wouldn't like it if my husband or my family found it. I blog at work or in secret when he's not in the room. The pictures taken for the blog are all taken stealthily so I am actively hiding something from him. So ... why?

I can't always have been super secretive. I do remember being traumatized when my family (mom, sis, brother) found my diary hidden under my pillow. It wasn't the greatest hiding spot on earth but I did not think anyone would want to read rambling 14-year-old thoughts about crushes on guy team-mates on the swim team or other such teenage nonsense. Well they did. The worst thing was that they read it for weeks and did not let on besides teasing me with vague hints which I never got. But that feeling? The worst. Like everyone is in on it and laughing at you (your stupidity) and you don't know why. Of course finally my brother blabbed the secret code word for the guy on the swim team, and the lightbulb went off. I burned that diary and never kept a physical diary ever.

If they found this? Yeah they would probably behave in the same way. Also they never apologized but just stopped mentioning it. Nice eh?

The second thing was that my first boyfriend was a stalker to the n-th degree. He read all my emails when we were together, maybe to win me over too (creepy much?) and then for a few years after the end of the relationship. Not to mention any blog I created. At the time I did have a deep introspective truly personal blog that I treated as an online journal. Creepy. Also every single thing I did online which was tied into that e-mail. Super creepy! I did not clue in until maybe a year ago because I could not figure out how he could find me even though I created new blogs, new online personas - it was always with that same primary email account! With a super strong, not an actual word password that he somehow hacked (or paid someone to hack). I work in tech too so omg total embarrassment.

It is such a violation to know that he reads my thoughts, my words all that time and essentially played me. It's like mind rape. He is a total jerk face and every day I have a fear that I will see him back in my site stats. He still checks into my fake red herring blog. The scariest thing is that from 2003-2009, he would check these blogs multiple times a day! We broke up in 2003 (he broke up with me at that). It is flattering that he finds me so irresistible but it's more of a headache than anything.

I don't want him to find this. He does not deserve ANY part of me.

But if the husband finds out? It can't be too bad. He's heavily into his own hobby and has a blog that he posts to daily. Makeup is sort of a hobby of mine and he appreciates the fact that I like dressing up and putting on makeup. I'm not an actual makeup artist but having this blog really does help improve my skills. I could have started a video game blog but I'm not *too* technical geeky. Ditto with a sci-fi blog. Deep down I know that he would be really supportive, but yet the hesitation is there .. because it's such a frivolous blog about silly girly things :D

A few bloggers anonymity has been exposed on the internet lately so that's what triggered this post. The fact is that you are not truly anonymous on the internet and you're just waiting for the day when someone figures it out. Honestly at the end of the day ... I could be okay with it if someone I know stumbles along and finds me here. Just as long as it's not that jerk face!

P.S: Title of post brought to you from Namie Amuro's Top Secret (video)

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